SUPER MEGA ULTRA AWESOME FANFIC
by InsaneBird91
Summary: Alucard and friends do awesome things, while the Cobra Commander does EVIL things!
1. Chapter 1

_NOTE: THERE ARE RULES TO THIS STORY! ALUCARD AND COBRA COMMANDER MUST APPEAR AT LEAST ONCE IN EVERY CHAPTER, TIME RESETTING IS NOT ALLOWED IN THIS STORY, AND WHENEVER WOLF CAN'T LET SOMEONE DO SOMETHING, THEY MUST OBEY HIM!_

**CHAPTER 1: DETECTIVES, KIDNAPPERS, AND MONSTERS!**

It was a dark night, and the Mystery Inc. people are looking for a monster. "There are no such things as monsters!" said Daphne. "Res rere are!" said Scooby-Doo. "They're just evil guys dressed as monsters." said Fred. "Jinkies!" said Velma. Suddenly, all members of Mystery Inc. were captured by a net. "Zoikes Scoobs, we have been caught!" said Shaggy.

"Bwahahahahahaha!" said a voice out of nowhere. The voice came from none other than…THE COBRA COMMANDER! "I have captured you, you meddling kidssssssssssss!" said the Cobra Commander. "I will take you all to the Cobra Bassssssssse, and lock you guyssssssssssss into a jail cccccccccell!" And so the Cobra Commander took the Scooby-Doo characters to his base.

Five minutes later, a monster appeared! "ROAR!" he shouted! But, the Mystery Inc. people are not there because they have been captured by a net that was set up by the Cobra Commander. "Damn, I was expecting those meddling kids to be there!" said the monster as he took off his mask, and revealed himself to be none other than…WALUIGI!

The next day, the detective team found out that Mystery Inc. went missing last night so they need to hire someone to take over the job of finding evil dudes dressed like monsters, so they hired…..ALUCARD! He is a vampire who looks likes a vampire male version of Carmen Sandiego. "How much will I get paid for this lame ass job?" said Alucard. "A billion bucks!" said the detective boss. "Okay then, it's time to hunt evil dudes dressed like monsters!"

And so for 8 days a weeks, Alucard has been hunting evil dudes dressed like monsters, reveal their secret identities, and put them to jail. After doing this 69 times, Alucard got super mega ultra bored of this job, so he made a clone of himself, and have his clone take over. The clone, however, sucks at doing Alucard's job, and only got paid a penny, so he became an employ at McDonalds instead.

Alucard returned to Hellsing Headquarters, and saw Integra at the entrance. "ALUCARD, YOU HAVE BEEN GONE FOR 8 DAYS A WEEK!" yelled Integra. "What the hell have you been doing?" "I was doing a lame ass job of finding lame ass evil dudes dressed as lame ass monsters." said Alucard. "Sounds like a lame ass job." said Integra. "Anyhow, I have a mission for you, Alucard."

_WHAT IS THE MISSION!? FIND OUT NEXT TIME!_


	2. Chapter 2

**CHAPTER 2: THE RESCUE MISSION**

So Integra tells Alucard his mission in her office. "Your mission is to rescue Walter." said Integra. "What happened to him?" Alucard asked. "He was kidnapped by Komachi." Alucard gasped as he never thought a badass butler like Walter would get kidnapped by a character he has never heard of before. "Where can I find this Komachi character?" Alucard asked. "I do not know where this Komachi character came from, but I heard rumors that she comes from a land known as Gensokyo." said Integra. "Then I will go there and find Walter…if he's there."

Alucard prepares for his trip to Gensokyo, by putting more ammo into his guns, adjusting his hat, and cleaning his glasses. He also brings Police Girl, and Yoshi along with him. "My name is not Police Girl, it is Seras Victoria." Said Police Girl, whose name is actually Seras Victoria. Alucard and Seras ride on Yoshi, and headed towards to Gensokyo while fighting enemies in Super Mario World style.

Meanwhile in Gensokyo, Komachi has Walter tied up to a chair, and she wants to know where Alucard is. "Okay butler man, tell me where Alucard is at!" said Komachi. "I'm sorry scythe lady, but I do not where he is at." said Walter. Komachi is mad because Walter won't tell her where Alucard is at. "How the f*cking bloody hell can you not know where he's at?" Komachi asked. "He disappeared 8 days a week ago, and hasn't come back to the mansion." said Walter. Komachi was so super mega ultra pissed, that she falcon punched a picture of Reimu Hakurei.

"Why do want Alucard anyways?" Walter asked. "Because it is my mission." said Komachi. "Why is it your mission?" Walter asked. "Because my boss wants him!" said Komachi. "And why does your boss want Alucard?" asked Walter. "I don't know why, he never told me!" said Komachi. Komachi puts her scythe near Walter, tempting to cut his head off.

"NOW TELL ME WHERE THE BLOODY F*CK IS HE!?" yelled Komachi. "I'm telling you, I don't know a thing." said Walter. Komachi then swings her scythe, but misses somehow, because…Walter used a deadly string to cut the ropes to get out of the chair before Komachi cuts his head off. "What the bloody f*ck!?" yelled Komachi. Komachi turns around to see Walter free from the chair he was tied to. "Buwahahahahaha!" Walter laughed. "I let myself get kidnapped on purpose because **I KNEW** you would look for Alucard." Komachi then got super mega ultra pissed. "You f*cking bloody bastard, I'm going to f*cking kill you!" Komachi and Walter get into fighting stances, and they prepare for an epic duel.

Meanwhile, back with Alucard, Seras, and Yoshi, they are now in Gensokyo. Alucard, Seras, and Yoshi fight enemies in Touhou style. Alucard is good at bullet hell games, so he killed enemies without ease, meanwhile Seras and Yoshi are losing lots of lives, and they have to use continues. Then they reach the boss of the level, and it was none other than…..AYA SHAMEIMARU! Aya also happened to be an Alucard fangirl, so she entered fangirl mode. "LIEK ZOMG ITS ALUCARD HE IS SO HOT AND HANDSOME AND SEXY AND KILLS PEOPLE IN SEXY WAYS AND LICKS BLOOD IN A SEXY WAY AND WEARS OUTFITS THAT TURN ME ON!" said Aya while in her fangirl mode. "Gosh I hate these f*cking annoying ass fangirls." said Alucard.

Alucard begins to ask Aya some questions. "Are you Komachi?" asked Alucard. "No, I am Aya Shameimaru." said Aya. "Do you know someone named Komachi?" asked Alucard. "Yes I do." said Aya. "She is a scythe wielding girl who has pigitails. She recently kidnapped a butler dude named Walter, and I heard rumors that Walter used to be really handsome when he was young." "Do you know where Komachi lives?" asked Alucard. "I will tell you if you challenge me to a duel!" said Aya. "Excellent!" said Alucard, as he brings his guns out.

Alucard and Aya started fighting in Touhou boss fight style. Alucard is the player character, while Aya is the boss, and Aya's theme music plays. Aya throws projectiles at Alucard, while Alucard shoots at Aya, and dodges the projectiles…LIKE A BOSS! After bringing her down to red health, Aya uses a spell card, and summons a crazy pattern of projectiles. Again Alucard is pro at bullet hells. After taking her red health down, Aya enters second phase. She is throwing normal projectiles again, only a little crazier this time around, but Alucard still shoots at her and dodges her bullets

Alucard brings Aya down to red health again, and Aya uses her second spell card. It is yet….another crazy pattern of projectiles, but it is no problem for Alucard as he dodges bullets like a boss. He takes out her red health, and Aya enters her third and final phase. She only has red health in this phase, so she just uses her final spell card, and summons a crazier pattern of projectiles. Alucard dodges the projectiles, shoots at Aya, and defeats her. "I win bitch!" said Alucard, while doing a win pose like in a fighting game, or an RPG.

Since Aya lost, she now has to tell them where Komachi lives. "So this Komachi chick lives in that house over there." said Aya, pointing her finger towards Komachi's house. "Thank you!" said Alucard and Seras, while Yoshi just said "Yoshi!" And so Alucard, Seras, and Yoshi head towards Komachi's house. Also, Alucard shot Aya in the head, and Aya is now dead. Then Ghost Aya appears and she enters masochist mode. "I can't believe that handsome sexy vampire dude shot me in the head." said Aya.

Alucard, Seras, and Yoshi all ran into Komachi's house, only to find Komachi defeated by Walter. "Walter, you are okay!" said Seras with relief. "Of course I am, because I am a badass butler." said Walter. "And you defeated the chick who kidnapped you?" Alucard asked. "I indeed defeater her." said Walter. "But how was that possible?" Seras asked. "It's because I let myself get captured." said Walter. "Plus, I had my deadly strings with me, which Komachi did not see."

Something came to Alucard's mind. "Wait…the battle happened off-screen, right?" Alucard asked. "The battle happened offscreen." said Walter. "Damn, I HATE offscreen battles!" said Alucard. "BUT…I hate offscreen sex scenes even more, because those scenes ALWAYS give me a hard on…unless it only involves men in it." Little does Alucard and pals realize that they are being spied by…..ZARTAN! "I have to report this to the Cobra Commander." said Zartan, as he leaves the house. Alucard, Seras, Yoshi, and Walter leave the house, and then they leave Gensokyo land.

Meanwhile at the Cobra Base, Cobra and Destro were playing Atari Fighter for the Super Atari Station 64. Cobra Commander lost to Destro once again, and the Score is 0 – 404. "Buwahahahahahaha I win again!" said Destro, as he laughs like an EVIL dude. "Quit kicking my ass at this game!" said Cobra WITH RAGE! "Haven't you realized by now, Cobra Commander?" Destro nodded "I am the Super Mega Ultra Supreme pro at Atari Fighter! I have entered, and won EVERY Atari Fighter tournament in existence. My skills at this game are SO PRO that NOT even players like Justin Wong, Chris G, Mike Ross, and Daigo can defeat me at Atari Fighter."

The Cobra Commander is so mad at Destro that he wants to beat him. "Well then, looks like I'm gonna have to use chea…" before Cobra could finish his sentence, Wolf came into the room and said "Can't let you do that, Cobra Commander!" Cobra screamed and threw a tantrum like an eight year old child.

_WHAT WILL HAPPEN IN THE NEXT CHAPTER? STAY TUNE NEXT TIME!_


	3. Chapter 3

**CHAPTER 3: TEAM BATTLE**

At the Cobra Base, Zartan returned to report the Cobra Commander what happened at Komachi's house. "So the butler that Komachi kidnapped actually let himself get kidnapped on purpose. He defeated her in battle, and escape with Alucard and his companions." said Zartan. "Did you try confronting Alucard?" The Cobra Commander asked. "I'm afraid not." Zartan said. The Cobra Commander is angry because Zartan didn't confront Alucard. "WHY DIDN'T YOU CONFRONT ALUCARD?" Cobra yelled. "It's because Alucard is a powerful vampire." said Zartan. "ZARTAN YOU F*CKING PUSSY PIECE OF SHIT!" yelled Cobra "YOU HAVE FAILED ME!"

Then Dr. Wily came out of the lab, laughing like an EVIL dude. "The Alucard Radar is complete!" said Dr. Wily. "Excellent work Dr. Wily!" said the Cobra Commander. The Cobra Commander then gives the Alucard radar to one of the Cobra soldiers, and sent an army of Cobra soldiers on a mission to capture Alucard. "Why can't I go on the mission?" Zartan asked. "Because you are a pussy!" said Cobra. "I AM NOT A PUSSY!" Zartan yelled. "Oh yeah?" Cobra turns on the sunlight ray, and Zartan is weaken by sunlight, and turns blue. "GAAAAAAAH I CAN'T STAND THE SUNLIGHT!" yelled Zartan, as he cannot stand sunlight. Cobra Commander then turned off the sunlight ray. "See? You are a pussy!" said the Cobra Commander.

Meanwhile, Alucard, Seras, Yoshi, and Walter are having a picnic at a peaceful picnic area. Seras was eating meat, Yoshi was eating fruits, Walter was having tea, and Alucard was eating a BLOOD burger. Suddenly Yogi Bear appeared out of a tree, and stole Alucard's picnic. "F*cking picnic stealing bear, THAT'S MINE!" yelled Alucard. Alucard takes his gun out, and shot Yogi Bear, and got his picnic back.

Then Anti-Animal Cruelty Man appeared and said "What you did was animal cruelty, and you should be ashamed of yourself!" Alucard said "Go f*ck yourself!" and shot Anti-Animal Cruelty Man. Alucard and pals went back to eating and drinking on this wonderful peaceful picnic area.

Meanwhile at Waluigi's apartment, Waluigi is watching something naughty on his TV. Waluigi heard the door bell rang, so he turned off the TV because something naughty was on the TV, and opened the door. "Who is it?" Waluigi asked. The person at the door was none other than…..NINJA GAIDEN! Ninja Gaiden threw shurikens at Waluigi, and Waluigi died. Ninja Gaiden stole Wlauigi's TV, and disappeared like the wind.

Back with Alucard, Seras, Yoshi, and Walter, they are walking through a big grass field. Suddenly…..THE TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURLES APPEARED! "We challenge you guys to a 4 on 4 battle!" said the Ninja Turtles. And so they accept their challenge. Alucard fights Leonardo, Seras fights Raphael, Yoshi fights Michelangelo, and Walter faces Donatello. "READY? FIGHT!" said the announcer.

Alucard shoots bullets at Leonardo, while Leonardo deflects them with his swords. Seras is shooting rockets at Raphael, while Raphael dodges the rockets with his speed. Michelangelo swings his nunchucks towards Yoshi, but Yoshi grabs them with his tongue, and swings Michelangelo the same way Mario swings Bowser in Super Mario 64. Donatello strikes his pole towards Walter, but walter dodges the pole (LIKE A BOSS!) and cuts the pole with his deadly strings. Thankfully, Donatello brought extra poles with him just incase.

The battle went on for hours and hours and hours until Alucard, Seras, Yoshi, and Walter were victories. BUT…..the ninja turtles weren't finish yet. That fight was only round 1. The Ninja Turtles then fused with each other, and they turned into…SUPER MEGA ULTRA NINJA TURTLE! And Super Mega Ultra Ninja Turtle has the abilities of all the ninja turtles. Fortunately, Alucard is strong enough to take on the Super Mega Ultra Ninja Turtle.

Round 2 begin, and this time it was a 1 on 1 battle between Alucard and the Super Mega Ultra Ninja Turtle. Alucard shoot bullets at Ninja Turtle, while the Ninja Turtle deflects all bullets with his weapons. "You are good!" said Alucard "But I am better!" Then Alucard summons creepy looking monsters from his body, and Alucard makes a creepy look on his face. The Ninja Turtle slashes many of the creepy monsters many times, but the monsters keep regenerating, and soon they started beating the living crap of the Ninja Turtle. Then the monsters fuse into a HUGE MONSTER, and landed a powerful strike attack on the Super Mega Ultra Ninja Turtle.

The monsters came back to Alucard's body. The Super Mega Ultra Ninja Turtle is now low on health. Alucard takes out a Pokeball, and throws it towards the Ninja Turtle. The Pokeball captures the Ninja Turtle. It shakes a few times, and the Pokeball successfully caught the Super Mega Ultra Ninja Turtle. "Excellent!" said Alucard as he picks up the Pokeball, and puts it in his trench coat. Alucard, Seras, Yoshi, and Walter won against the Ninja Turtles. BUT…The chapter is **NOT** over yet.

Suddenly….FATHER ANDERSEN APPEARED! And he said, "If anyone does not love the lord Jesus Christ. Let him be accused O Lord come. Amen!" And Alucard said, "Jesus Christ is just some overrated guy that Christens worship to." Andersen got mad, and brings his weapons. "Since you insulted Jesus Christ, I will have to kill you!" said Father Andersen. "Bit first, I need a partner."

Father Andersen brought his cell phone out, and called Ciel from Melty Blood. "Yo Ciel, I need your help because Alucard just insulted Jesus Christ, and now I want to kill. Good! I'll be waiting for you!" said Father Andersen. He puts his cell phone away and waits for Ciel. 1 minute later….Ciel arrives for battle! "I have arrived Father Andersen, and I will assist you to take out Alucard." said Ciel as she prepares for battle. "You have such a suitable partner." said Alucard "I happen to have a suitable partner for myself as well." Alucard opens his coat, and summons Warachia, who is also from Melty Blood. "Warachia, you and I will attack those two sword wielding church people over there." said Alucard. "I will do as you say." said Warachia.

And so Alucard and Warachia fight Father Andersen and Ciel in Marvel vs. Capcom 1 style. Father Andersen and Ciel got Arthur as their assist, while Alucard and Warachi got Colossus as their assist. "READY? FIGHT!" said the Marvel vs. Capcom 1 announcer. And so Alucard and Andersen fight first. Alucard shoot bullets while Andersen deflects them with his swords. One bullet hits Andersen's head, but his head quickly recovers. Andersen then swings swords towards Alucard. Alucard managed to dodge a lot of the slashes, but he still got hit a few times. He then shot Andersen again.

Father Andersen then tags in Ciel, and Ciel started fighting. Ciel threw swords at Alucard, while Alucard dodges most of them. Ciel then lands a punch on Alucard, and started doing combos on him. Alucard then tagged Warachia in for battle. Ciel tried to attack Warachia, but Warachia kept doing the teleport move. Warachia then spam the black tornado move on Ciel. Warachia then did some combos on Ciel. Ciel was getting low on health, so she tags Father Andersen back in.

Father Andersen uses the Arthur assist while Warachia spams the Colossus assist. Father Andersen then jumps over the Colossus assist, and kicks Warachia in the face. Father Andersen then launched Warachia into the air, and started doing air combos on him. Warachia then tagged Alucard in. Alucard and Father Andersen threw a bunch of punches at each other, and then they hit each other in the face. Then they did more shooting and slashing.

Father Andersen and Ciel then use the Duo Team Attack, in which both Andersen and Ciel can attack at the same time while crazy music plays, and the background changes colors. Alucard got stuck in a combo between Andersen and Ciel, but after that, he stays away from them until the move was finished. Ciel is now the point character. Alucard and Warachia performed a hyper combo on Ciel, and KOed Ciel. Now Father Andersen has to fight both Alucard and Warachia alone.

Father Andersen slashes Warachia, and KOs him. Now it's just Alucard and Father Andersen. Alucard used a hyper combo attack, in which he summons a bunch of monsters at a time, and have them strike through Andersen's body. And then Father Andersen got KOed. A big KO sign appeared on the screen. "Alucard and Warachia wins!" said the Marvel vs. Capcom 1 announcer. "You may have won this battle Alucard, BUT we will fight again!" said Father Andersen. Father Andersen brings out a book that surrounds him and Ciel with floating sheets that form some kind of shield, and then they disappeared.

Warachia goes back into Alucard's cape. Alucard walk towards Seras, Yoshi, and Walter. "Wow, that fight was epic!" said Seras. "It was quite entertaining." said Walter. Yoshi was lying on the ground, acting all weird. Alucard, Seras, and Walter noticed this. "Uh oh, I think Yoshi got a seizure from that Duo Team Attack move." said Seras. "Ah crap, Integra is gonna be pissed at us when she sees this." said Alucard.

Suddenly, Masahiro Sakurai appeared out of nowhere, and he said, "YOU MUST RECOVER!" Suddenly Yoshi recovered from the seizure. "Yoshi!" said Yoshi with joy. "Thanks a lot Masahiro Sakurai." said Alucard. "You are welcome!" said Sakurai. And then Masahiro Sakurai disappeared. Alucard, Seras, and Walter ride on Yoshi, and they head back to Hellsign Headquarters.

_STAY TUNE NEXT TIME FOR MORE EPICNESS!_


	4. Chapter 4

**CHAPTER 4: THE GREAT ESCAPE**

At the Cobra Base, the Cobra Commander is watching a terrible movie on TV. "This movie is absolutely horrible!" said the Cobra Commander. Cobra takes his gun out, shoots the TV, and the TV explodes. "R.I.P. TV that I spent 666 bucks on." said the Cobra Commander. Then one of the cobra soldiers breaks in the room to tell the Cobra Commander something. "Cobra Commander, we have captured Alucard!" said the Cobra soldier. "Excellent work Generic Cobra Soldier!" said the Cobra Commander.

The Cobra Commander was excited to see Alucard, but there was one problem. The cobra soldiers ended up kidnapping the WRONG Alucard. "You idiots, you captured the WRONG Alucard!" yelled Cobra with anger. The Cobra soldiers kidnapped the Castlevania Alucard. "Sorry sir, but the radar pointed to this Alucard instead of the one you wanted." said the Cobra soldier. "Hmm…I'm gonna have to see Dr. Wily about this." said the Cobra Commander. "Also, take the Castlevania Alucard to the prison cell." And so the Cobra soldiers locked the Castlevania Alucard into a prison cell, BUT….The Castlevania Alucard turned into a fog, escaped the Cobra Base, and no one noticed.

Cobra Commander walks into Dr. Wily's lab WITH RAGE because he is mad at Dr. Wily, and he shoryuken Dr. Wily in the face. "Ouch! What was that for?" Dr. Wily asked. "Your radar searched for the wrong Alucard." said the Cobra Commander. "You never told me which Alucard to search for." said Dr. Wily. "I thought you would know." said the Cobra Commander. "So which Alucard did you want me to look for?" Dr. Wily asked. "This one!" said Cobra while holding a picture of the Hellsing Alucard (Which is the Alucard who was in the previous chapters). "Oh, the one that looks like Carmen Sandiego." said Dr. Wily. "Okay, I will make a Alucard radar that will search for THAT Alucard." said Dr. Wily. "GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!" said the Cobra Commander.

Meanwhile at Hellsing Headquarts, Alucard is in the basement, taking a nap on a chair. Then suddenly….Jack Frost from Shin Megami Tensei appeared out of nowhere. "HEE-HO!" yelled Jack Frost. Alucard woke up and saw Jack Frost. "Who the f*ck are you?" Alucard asked. "I'm Jack Frost, HO!" said Jack Frost. "My name is not Ho, it is Alucard." said Alucard. Then Pyro Jack appeared. "I'm Pyro Jack, HO!" said Pyro Jack. "I told you my name is not Ho…" Alucard was interrupted by the appearance of King Frost. "HEE-HO, I am King Frost, and I am a King who uses ice powers." said King Frost.

And then Black Frost appeared out of nowhere. "I'm Black Frost, HO!" said Black Frost "And my favorite movie actor is Jack Black!" Black Frost twirled around. "I told you my name is not Ho, it is Alucard." said Alucard. And the Jacks started being super mega ultra annoying by flying around the basement, and repeatedly saying "HEE-HO! HEE-HO! HEE-HO! HEE-HO! HEE-HO! HEE-HO! HEE-HO!" And then Alucard triggered his gun, and shot a bullet. The Jacks then shut the hell up. "Now you Jacks better shut the f*ck up or I will f*cking kill you all!" said Alucard. The Jacks shut up and did not say another word. Also, Alucard went back to sleeping.

Back at the Cobra Base, the Cobra Commander is planning EVIL things. A group of villains are in a room waiting for the Cobra Commander. Then the Cobra Commander comes in the room, and he is about to give EVIL orders to the villains. "Dr. Doom, lead an army of Doombots to take out escaped prisoners. Ganondorf, create an army of EVIL demons, and charge them towards the Hellsing Headquarters. Baroness, find a good disguise to trick Alucard, and capture him. Zartan, you and your dreadlocks do the same job as the Doombots. Wolf, continue your job of NOT letting people do things. Destro, continue your job at kicking people's asses in Atari Fighter. Storm Shadow, do whatever the f*ck you want. Charlotte, invade Japan, and create a witch barrier. Vega, find a disguise and kidnap Alucard. Destroy Man, enter an assassin competition being held in Santa Destroy. Rip Van Winkle from Hellsing, go invade a ship and turn it into a Nazi ship. Abobo, lead an army of bad dudes doing bad things on city streets. Also, kidnap some hot chicks. Turkish Spider-Man, kill people and steal things for the EVILZ! Dr. Insano, create an army of Nazi vampires, and have them invade your most HATED country! And Dr. Wily, after you are done creating the new Alucard Radar, create a powerful monster that can produce a powerful army, and destroy a city." said Cobra Commander. "YES SIR!" said the all the other villain characters.

Suddenly, a cobra soldier walked into the room to report the Cobra Commander something. "Cobra Commander, we have captured someone who has infiltrated our base!" said the cobra soldier. "Bring him in!" said the Cobra Commander. The soldiers brought the intruder in, and it was Roadblock, a member of G.I. Joe. The Cobra Commander was disappointed that it wasn't Alucard, but he will talk to Roadblock anyways.

"I know what your plans are, Cobra Commander!" said Roadblock "You plan to kidnap some powerful vampire, use his powers, and take over the world. Also, your faceless mask doesn't scare me! It just makes you look dumb!" The Cobra Commander realized that his mask was not intimidating towards Roadblock, so he puts takes off his mask, and puts on a mask that makes him look like a KKK dude because Roadblock is black, and the KKK hates black people. "Am I scary now?" the Cobra Commander asked. Roadblock couldn't answer because of the mask Cobra is wearing, which is intimidating Roadblock. "I will take that as a yes." said the Cobra Commander.

The Cobra Commander took off the KKK mask, and put his other mask back on because eyes are overrated. Roadblock is no longer intimidated because Cobra is now wearing the other mask. "Cobra Commander, I'm gonna beat the shit out of all your soldiers, and then I will rip your head and shi…" then Wolf interrupted Roadblock, and said "Can't let you do that, Roadblock!" Roadblock then put a disappointed look on his face. "Damn Wolf!" said Roadblock. "Take him to the Prisoner room!" said the Cobra Commander.

And so Roadblock was put into a Prison room where he meets Dogi from Ys. "Yo dog, what's your name?" Roadblock asked. "My name is Dogi, and I am professional wall breaker." said Dogi. "And how did you end up here?" Roadblock asked. "I was breaking walls here at the cobra base because I HATE COBRA WALLS! But then I was caught and that's how I ended up here." said Dogi.

After Dogi told Roadblock his story, Roadblock came up with an idea. "Hey Dogi, can you break a wall for us to escape?" Roadblock asked. "Sure!" said Dogi. And so Dogi broke a wall, and Roadblock and Dogi escaped the prison room. Roadblock and Dogi sneaked around the Cobra Base in Metal Gear Solid style. They even hid in cardboard boxes around the guards. Roadblock and Dogi got to the Cobra Base exit without getting caught. They saw two guards guarding a truck full of barrels and weapons. "I can eat 50 eggs!" said Guard No.1. "No one can eat 50 eggs. NO ONE!" said Guard No.2.

Roadblock poked Guard No.1's shoulder, and the guards turn around. They got their asses handle by Roadblock and Dogi. Roadblock and Dogi got on the truck, and as Roadblock starts up the truck, they were caught by a Cobra soldier. Roadblock and Dogi made the **!** sound. Roadblock starts driving the truck while the Cobra soldiers began chasing Roadblock and Dogi while riding vehicles. "DON'T LET THEM GET AWAY!" the Cobra Commander yelled.

And so an epic chase scene begins. The Cobra soldiers are shooting at Roadblock and Dogi. Roadblock is driving the truck, while Dogi throws barrels like Donkey Kong does. The barrels hit the Cobra soldiers, and even managed to destroy one of the vehicles the Cobra soldiers were riding on. Dogi then ran out of barrels, and started using weapons, such as a machine gun. Dogi shoot at Cobra soldiers with a machine gun, and even deflated a tire on one the vehicles that Cobra solders were riding on.

During the chase scene, they rode to places such as Green Hill Zone, and ride on the loop roads. Also they ran over Sonic the Hedgehog. Then they had the chase scene at the Pac-Man maze. While attacking each other, they ate the dots, ran over the ghosts and Pac-Man himself. Now they are back on a generic road. Dogi throws grenades at the Cobra soldiers, while Roadblock continues to drive. More and more Cobra soldiers are being taken out, and more and more Cobra Soldiers respawn.

Suddenly, Roadblock accidentally hit a rock and the truck Roadblock and Dogi are on trips and hits a Hawaiian tree. The truck blew up, but Roadblock and Dogi are safe. "Man, I didn't see that rock coming." said Roadblock. "I'm afraid we got ourselves into a bad situation." said Dogi. Roadblock and Dogi are surrounded by Cobra soldiers. "Give up now, or become corpses in this very area!" said the Cobra soldiers.

_WILL RAODBLOCK AND DOGI BE ABLE TO ESCAPE FROM THIS TERRIBLE SITUATION? FIND OUT NEXT TIME!_


	5. Chapter 5

**CHAPTER 5: HAIL TO THE KING, BABY!**

Alucard woke up from his nap. He went upstairs and saw Seras and Yoshi watching My Little Pony. Alucard HATES My Little Pony because it turns people into bronies, so he takes his gun out and shot the TV. "WHAT THE HELL, ALUCARD?" Seras yelled. "You guys were watching a horrible a show." said Alucard. "My Little Pony is **NOT **a horrible show!" said Seras. "Yes it is, because it turns people into bronies, and I HATE bronies." said Alucard. Yoshi is sad because the TV got murdered by Alucard.

Then Integra walks into the room, and sees the broken TV. "ALUCARD, YOU F*CKING IDIOT!" Integra yelled. "THAT TV COST ME 2013 BUCKS! YOU OWE US A NEW TV!" Alucard didn't care because he LOVES getting yelled by Integra. "Not a problem!" said Alucard. "I just happen to have a shit tons of money anyways." And so Alucard walks out Hellsing Headquarters, and goes to a shop to buy a new TV.

Back to where the previous chapter left off, Roadblock and Dogi are surrounded by Cobra soldiers. "Give up now, or become corpses in this very area!" said the Cobra soldiers. "I think we're done for!" said Roadblock. "This has turned out to be a very bad idea." said Dogi. The Cobra soldiers get closer and closer to Roadblock and Dogi. Suddenly… "Eat shit and die!" said a voice that came out of nowhere. Two Cobra soldiers were shot dead by someone. Roadblock and Dogi turned around, and saw none other than….DUKE NUKEM!

"Hail to the king, baby!" said Duke Nukem. The Duke Nukem theme starts playing, and Duke Nukem gave Roadblock and Dogi weapons. Roadblock, Dogi, and Duke Nukem started beating the living crap out of the Cobra soldiers. Roadblock head shot some Cobra Soldiers. Dogi spins around while shooting two machine guns. And Duke Nukem is shooting the Cobra soldiers in badass style. One of the Cobra soldiers tried to kick Duke Nukem in the balls, but only he hurt his own leg instead, because Duke Nukem has BALLS OF STEEL! "I got balls of steel!" said Duke Nukem.

Roadblock, Dogi, and Duke Nukem got on motorcycles that belonged to Cobra, and ride on them. The Cobra soldiers started chasing them for another epic chase scene. The Cobra soldiers are throwing grenades at Roadblock, Dogi, and Duke Nukem, but the three dudes are shooting at the cobra soldiers as well. The Cobra soldiers then took out machine guns, and started shooting at the three dudes on motorcycles. Roadblock, Dogi, and Duke Nukem are still shooting at the Cobra soldiers.

Then Roadblock took a grenade out and throws it at the Cobra soldiers. The grenade took out many Cobra soldiers. And then more came. Duke Nukem took out a SUPER machine gun out, and killed many cobra soldiers with it. Dogi then threw barrels at the Cobra soldiers, and knocked out many Cobra soldiers. And then Roadblock throws pork chop sandwiches at the Cobra soldiers, and the Cobra soliders sneezed to death because they are super mega ultra allergic to pork chop sandwiches.

The epic chase scene battle continues. Meanwhile, not so far away from the chase scene, Zartan and the Dreadlocks are setting up a trap. Zartan is talking to the Cobra Commander on his cell phone. "Cobra Commander, we are setting a DEADLY trap for the prisoners that escaped and that blond haired guy with the sunglasses." said Zartan. "Excellent work, Zartan!" said the Cobra Commander. "Just be sure to bring them back here ALIVE. BUT….if you kill them, just bring their corpses here instead, so we can feed them to the hungry sharks." Zartan puts an EVIL smile on his face.

Back to the chase scene, Roadblock, Dogi, and Duke Nukem killed a bunch of Cobra soldiers. "I think that's the rest of them." said Roadblock. "I don't see any more coming." said Dogi. "They must have pansy out because we are SO badass!" said Duke Nukem. The three dudes were headed towards the trap that the dreadlocks set up. Before they ride into the trap, Admiral Ackbar appeared out of nowhere and said, "IT'S A TRAP!" Roadblock, Dogi, and Duke Nukem got out of the motorcycles, and the motorcycles EXPLODED into the mind field. "Curses, they avoided the trap!" said Zartan. "Dreadlocks, KILL THOSE DUDES WHO WERE RIDING THE MOTORCYCLES!" yelled Zartan.

And so the Dreadlocks began to attack Roadblock, Dogi, and Duke Nukem. The Dreadlocks fight with chainsaws while the other dudes fight with fists (LIKE A MAN!). Dreadlock No.1 swings his chainsaw but misses Roadblock. Roadblock Falcon punches Dreadlock No.1. Dogi faces Dreadlock No.2. Dreadlock No.2 tried to slash Dogi, but missed, and Dogi did an Atomic Pile Driver on Dreadlock No. 2 instead. Dreadlock No. 3 Walks slowly towards Duke Nukem while pointing his chainsaw towards Duke Nukem. Duke Nukem charges his fist WITH RAGE and then knocks Dreadlock No.3's head off with a powerful punch. Dreadlock No.3's head flew towards outer space and hits the sun. Dreadlock No.3's head melted on the sun.

"I can't believe my dreadlocks lost to some manly dudes!" said Zartan. "I will take you all on!" Zartan brings out a laser gun (because he is too much of a pansy to use guns with bullets) fires the gun at Roadblock, Dogi, and Duke Nukem. The three dudes are dodging the lasers from Zartan's laser gun. Then they got close to Zartan. Roadblock did a shoryuken on Zartan, and then Dogi kicked Zartan in the back, and then Duke Nukem Slammed Zartan's face into mud and tied him up. "Damn it all!" said Zartan.

And so Roadblock, Dogi, and Duke Nukem stole the Dreadlocks truck, and got away. The three dudes are driving to get away from the evil dudes. Suddenly, they ran into THE DOOMBOTS…and Dr. Doom himself. "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" yelled Dr. Doom, who is copying a scene from Lord of the Rings. Roadblock, Dogi, and Duke Nukem are fighting a legion of Doombots. "Come get some!" said Duke Nukem. The Doombots charge forward towards the three dudes while using weapons at them. Roadblock and Duke Nukem are taking out a legion of Doombots with weapons, while Dogi beats the crap out of the Doombots with his bare fists.

After all the Doombots have been taken out, Dr. Doom challenges Roadblock, Dogi, and Duke Nukem himself. "You think I'm afraid of you guys? I'm afraid NOT!" said Dr. Doom. Dr. Doom fires his finger lasers, win blasts, and meteors at the three dudes, but the three dudes are good at dodging dangerous things. Then Dr. Doom did foot dives on the three dudes and happy birthday them, but he did not have assists, so his happy birthday combo was not as effective. "Now I'm pissed off!" said Duke Nukem. Duke Nukem takes out a bunch of machine guns WITH RAGE and fires them at Dr. Doom.

Dr. Doom is getting owned pretty badly by the weapons, and then Dr. Doom dies, but only it was NOT the real Dr. Doom, it was yet another….DOOMBOT! The Real Dr. Doom was eating at Burger King. "Looks like Dr. Doom was another Doombot." said Dogi. "I heard that Dr. Doom has many Doombots dressed like him around the world." said Roadblock. "Let's get the hell out of here before we get into more trouble." said Duke Nukem. And so Roadblock, Dogi, and Duke Nukem got back on the truck, and drove away.

Dr. Doom got back from Burger King, only to find all his Doombots destroyed. "Ah crap, they have all been terminated." said Dr. Doom. Dr. Doom calls the Cobra Commander on his Cell Phone to report the disaster that happened. "What is it Dr. Doom?" Cobra Commander asked. "I'm afraid my legion of Doombots got terminated, including the one that looks just like me." said Dr. Doom. "And who would do such a thing?" Cobra Commander asked. "I believe the escaped prisoner, and that blond haired guy who apparently has balls of steel did it." said Dr. Doom.

"If that's the case, then they must have gotten through Zartan and the Dreadlocks as well." said Cobra Commander. The Cobra Commander tried to contact Zartan, but Zartan couldn't reach his cell phone since he is tied up. "Uhh….I think Zartan might be dead." said Cobra Commander. "I'll go search for him." said Dr. Doom. So Dr. Doom ends his call with the Cobra Commander, and starts searching for Zartan.

Back with Roadblock, Dogi, and Duke Nukem, the three dudes were heading somewhere. "So, where are we headed to?" Roadblock asked. "We're headed to a secret hideout." said Duke Nukem. And so Roadblock, Dogi, and Duke Nukem arrived at the secret hideout. They enter hideout and saw a bunch of hot chicks in there doing sexy things. Also, the King of Hyrule from the CD-I Zelda games is there, because he is the one who is in charge of this place. "MAI BOIS!" said the King "This hideout is what all true horny bastards like us strive for!"

Roadblock, Dogi, and Duke Nukem stood in front of the King, and they hailed in front of him because he is a king. After they hailed to him, something came in Roadblock's mind. "Who wants a body massage?" Roadblock asked. The hot chicks all look at Roadblock because body massage is a sexy thing. "Oooooooh body massage machine go!" said Roadblock. And so the night has passed.

_NEXT TIME, ALUCARD GOES TO JAPAN! STAY TUNE!_


	6. Chapter 6

**CHAPTER 6: ALUCARD GOES TO JAPAN**

Alucard got back from buying a new TV for Hellsing Headquarters. Also, he bought a Japanese game for the new Nintendo console. "Yo, I'm back!" said Alucard. "Did you buy a new TV?" Integra asked. "Yep!" said Alucard as he shows the TV in front of Integra. "That's a nice TV right there." said Integra as she takes a bite out of a burger. "And this is a tasty burger!" said Integra.

Alucard hooks up the new TV in the TV room. And then Alucard turns on the new Nintendo console, and puts in the Japanese game he bought from some Japanese store. However, Alucard discovered that the new Nintendo console is region locked, and Alucard cannot play the Japanese game. "This is f*cking bullshit!" yelled Alucard, as he throws the Nintendo console out of the window, and then shoots it with his guns. "REGION LOCK IS THE DEVIL!" Alucard yelled.

"Alucard, you need to learn to stop breaking things." said Integra. "I'll break whatever the f*ck I want!" said Alucard. "Alucard, I had downloaded games on there, and now I have to buy them again." said Seras. "You can use my money and buy them again." said Alucard. "Yoshi!" said Yoshi. "Anyhow, I am going to Japan, and I'm going to teach Nintendo that REGION IS THE DEVIL!" said Alucard.

"Speaking of Japan, I got an interesting report that happened in Japan." said Integra. "What is it?" Alucard asked. "Apparently, a witch has appeared in Japan, and created a witch barrier." said Integra. "And what do you want me to do about it?" Alucard asked. "I want you to….SEARCH AND DESTROY! SEARCH AND DESTROY! SEARCH AND F*CKING DESTROY!" yelled Integra. Alucard puts a BIG smile on his face. "It will be my pleasure, Queen of giving me a hard on." said Alucard. "I wish you a safe trip." said Walter. And so Alucard heads off to Japan.

Meanwhile, at the Cobra Base, Cobra Commander is ANGRY at Zartan and Dr. Doom for letting the prisoners get away. "You pathetic fools FAILED ME!" said the Cobra Commander WITH RAGE. "But Cobra Commander, Admiral Ackbar appeared out of nowhere and warned them of the trap. Also, they somehow defeated my brilliant team." said Zartan. "Your brilliant team of FAILURES that is! Plus one of them lost a head." said the Cobra Commander. "And you Dr. Doom, why did you put a pathetic Doombot in charge of a legion of Doombots?" Cobra Commander asked. "I was hungry so I went to Burger King and ate a tasty burger." said Dr. Doom. "Next time, bring something to snack on." said the Cobra Commander.

"Anyhow, I have a new mission for you Dr. Doom." said Cobra Commander. "I want you to invade a certain land, and rule that land. Also, team up with some super villains in the mean time." Dr. Doom is pleased to have been given the mission. "I will do as you say, Cobra Commander." said Dr. Doom. "What about us?" Zartan asked. "Oh…I have SOMETHING for you, but I will tell it later." said the Cobra Commander.

Back with Alucardo, he has arrived in Japan. Alucard's first target in Japan is the Nintendo Headquarters, so Alucard goes there. Alucard enters the Nintendo, and bitch slapped every guard and Nintendo employer that got in Alucard's way. Then Alucard finally reaches Iwata. "You, Iwata, I had it with your REGION LOCK BULLSHIT!" said Alucard. "Why do you do this region lock bullshit?" Alucard asked. "We must ensure that NoA gets money so weebos don't ruin everything. We also don't want the Japanese buying games for a cheaper price. We must make all the money we can!" said Iwata.

"That just sounds like an excuse to get more and more money….you money greedy bastards!" said Alucard, as he puts his gun in front of Iwata. "Ah, what do you plan to do?" Iwata asked…..WITH FEAR! "I want you to make the next Nintendo REGION FREE because REGION LOCK IS THE DEVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER 100% EXISTS!" Alucard yelled. "What will you do if I don't?" Iwata asked. "I'll shoot you in the face." said Alucard. "So decide widely." Iwata had to make a decision, and he came up with something.

"I will take it to consideration." said Iwata. Alucard puts his gun down. "If you say so." said Alucard. "Just remember, that if you DO make future Nintendo systems region lock, YOU WILL MEET A TERRIBLE FATE!" said Alucard. Alucard turns into a bat, and leaves the Nintendo Company. "Phew, that was a close one." said Iwata, as he wipes sweat from his head. "Anyhow, back to work." said Iwata.

Hours later, Alucard is doing the "haters gonna hate" walk, and then suddenly, he saw a strange thing on a wall for a school. "I sense danger from that thing." said Alucard. Then a girl with pink pigtails appeared, and she was with a blond haired girl. "My friend is in there with Kyubey." said pink haired girl. "What the hell is a Kyubey?" Alucard asked. "It's a creature that makes contracts with little girls, and makes their wishes come true." said pink haired girl. "It's too bad I'm not a little girl…or am I?" said Alucard. "We have no time to waste Madoka, we have to get in there." said the blond haired girl. "Okay, Mami." said Madoka.

And so Madoka and Mami walked into the witch barrier. "That blond haired girl is her mother?" Alucard wondered, because he thought Madoka said mommy. "Whatever, I'll go in." said Alucard, as he enters the witch barrier. Inside the witch barrier is a dark place filled with sweets. "It's kinda dark in here." said Mami. "Did you bring a flash light?" Madoka asked. Mami turned her head around and said, "No… but my gem can light this place up." And so Mami used her gem to light the place up.

"This place is super mega ultra sweetie." said Alucard. Suddenly, Gaius from Fire Emblem Awakening appeared out of nowhere, and he is hungry for sweets. "Oh yum, sweets!" said Gaius. Gaius tried to eat the sweets, but the sweets are alive, and they captured Gaius. "Oh no Mami, the sweets are evil!" said Madoka. "Leave this one to me. Go look for that friend of yours." said Alucard. "Okay sir!" said Madoka and Mami. And so Madoka and Mami go deeper into the barrier, while Alucard fights the evil.

Alucard summons the Jacks to fight the sweets. Jack Frost and King Frost use bufu skills to fight the sweets. Pyro Jack uses agi skills to burn the sweets. And Black Frost is fighting with both, agi and bufu skills to kill the evil sweets. More and more sweets are defeated until they are all defeated. "We defeated the evil sweets, Ho!" said the Jacks. "My name is Alucard, not Ho." said Alucard.

Then a girl with long black hair, wearing purple appears. "Did you see a pink haired girl and blond haired girl go in here?" asked the black haired girl. "Yeah they did, and they have already walked far into this barrier." said Alucard. "Why did you let them proceed in this barrier?" black haired girl asked. "Because they have a friend to find." said Alucard. "You fool, you have put them in danger. One of them will die, and I will rescue the rest of them." said the black haired girl. "Oh yeah? Then I'll go deeper into this barrier, and make sure they all alive, just to prove that I am more of a badass than you." said Alucard.

And so Alucard proceeds deeper into the barrier. "The only one I care lives is Madoka." said Homura (Who is the black haired girl, if you didn't know). Meanwhile, Madoka and Mami found Sayaka and Kyubey. "Sayaka, are you alright?" Madoka asked. "I'm super mega ultra okay, Madoka." said Sayaka. "And besides, Kyubey and I Metal Gear Solid through this place." Kyubey and the girls turn around and saw the witch Charlotte. Charlotte spotted them, and they all made the **! **sound. "Oh noes, we have been spotted." said Kyubey.

Charlotte begins summoning evil sweets to attack Kyubey and the girls. "I'll handle this." said Mami, as she takes her gem, and turns into her magical girl form. Then Alucard arrives, seeing more sweets to take on. "Good timing, Carmen Sandiego." said Mami. "My name is Alucard, not Carman Sandiego, even though it is still a better name than Ho." said Alucard. "Thanks for correcting Me." said Mami. "Anyhow, will you assist me in defeating those evil sweets, and the witch?" Mami asked. "Sure, I'll show them how much of a badass I am." said Alucard.

And so Alucard and Mami fight the evil sweets while doing badass poses with their weapons. Also Alucard eats some of the evil sweets, and he finds them deliciously evil. "Mmm…tasty!" said Alucard. And so Alucard and Mami continued fighting the evil sweets while jumping around and spinning around with their weapons. Then Mami used Tiro Finale and blasted the rest of the evil sweets. "Bitches love cannons!" said Alucard. "Damn right!" said Mami.

Charlotte now must fight Mami and Alucard alone while the Witch Hunt music from Madoka Magica plays. Charlotte shoots optic blasts at Mami and Alucard, but they dodge them. Charlotte also uses a Proton Cannon, but she missed. "My cannon is better than yours!" said Mami. Mami then shot Charlotte down, uses her gun like a golf club, and hits Charlotte. Then she uses her Tiro Finale on Charlotte, and made a hole in her stomach. Then she wraps Charlotte's neck with a ribbon, and then Charlotte's head pop, and turns into a big caterpillar like monster. Then Charlotte is about to bite off Mami's head, BUT…..Alucard pushes her out of the way, and he ends up getting his head bit off instead.

However, Alucard can fight with NO head, because he is that awesome. Headless Alucard now fights Charlotte alone, while Mami watches the fight with the others. Charlotte tries to eat Headless Alucard, but Headless Alucard dodges her moves. He shoots bullets at Charlotte, causing Charlotte to anger. Then Headless Alucard gave her the middle finger, and made her even angrier. Headless Alucard dodges her attacks and looks for a weak point. Then Headless Alucard found her weak point on her stomach.

"Gotcha bitch!" said Headless Alucard. Yes, he can talk with no head. Headless Alucard punches Charlotte in the stomach, and then he does the Hundred Fist Crack of the North Star while the Fatal KO theme plays. Then he punches her one more time, and does the "WATA!" sound. "Hokuto Hyakuretsu Ken" said a Japanese narrator. Charlotte spits Alucard's head out, and Alucard got his head back. Then Alucard points his finger towards Charlotte, saying "You are already dead!"

And then Charlotte dies in Michael Bay explosion style. Alucard is now happy WITH RAGE! "Don't ever f*cking bite my head again you f*cking caterpillar witch thing that turns sweets into evil." said Alucard. "I…can't…believe…he…won…without…anyone…killed…" said Homura with jealousy. And so Alucard rescues Gaius, and everyone left the witch barrier.

Back outside, everyone was safe. "Ha, I'm better than you, bitch!" said Alucard while giving Homura the middle finger. Homura puts on a mad face. Meanwhile, Gaius learned something. "Man, I never thought sweets could be evil." said Gaius. "Too many sweets aren't good for you, pal." said Alucard. "Also, your nose is bleeding." Gaius realized his nose is bleeding, and he ran away as fast as Sonic the Hedgehog. "I am so happy you still have your head, Mami." said Madoka. "If Alucard didn't save me, many people online would post headless pictures of me." said Mami. "I didn't save you, I was just pushing you out of the way." said Alucard. "Yeah, sure, Ho!" said Jack Frost. "Shut up, Jack Ho!" said Alucard.

Madoka and Mami turned around and noticed that Sayaka is wearing a different outfit. "Sayaka chan, where did you get that outfit from?" Madoka asked. "I just made a contract with Kyubey and became a magical girl." said Sayaka. "That's great!" said Mami. "Her wish is to be a magical girl? How lame!" said Alucard, who doesn't know how the contract works. "You shouldn't have done that!" said Homura, while doing the CREEPY Ben pose.

"You aren't worthy of being a magical girl, you dumb shit!" said a voice out of nowhere. They turned around and saw…KYOKO SAKURA! "This city ain't big enough for THREE magical girls." said Kyoko, while eating a Pocky.

_WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT? FIND OUT NEXT TIME!_


End file.
